i never thought of myself as a proud person. as e academically most accomplished (before tertiary ed at least. i suspect my bro has a lot more imba mugging prowess than me lolz) in e family, i knew that arrogance was the most pertinent pitfall.
so i sought humility. and i attained it. quite a long while ago i believe. i swung all the way to the extreme end of it - into insecurity, hesitation and indecision. i distinctly rmb anthony saying that my gift was that of humility, despite the many other blessing that i've been showered with. how disappointed he'd be to know how far i've strayed.
then i started bucking up. i needed e confidence see? i needed to get over my insecurity and my fears and just live properly. so i bought the whole lot - hook, line and sinker. i made myself stronger so that i could rely on myself. i desperately searched for morsels of achievement that i could tie my identity to. i longed for e deep recognition that i could find my security. i ached for e moments of need that i could attribute a sense of belonging to.
in that process, i coldly beat back all my weaknesses, pruning my strength of character like one would prune a grapevine - meticulously and efficiently. i resolved to grasp the reigns of my life. i made circumstance my steed. i told myself, in e words of Invictus, that my soul would be unconquerable, my would be head unbowed, i would be unafraid and above all, i would be master of my fate,/ captain of my soul. and slowly, inevitably, unwittingly, i carved my identity out of pride.
perhaps it's unfair to say that it was unwitting. i must have realized some time or another deep down some where that i was being proud. but pride just had so much allure... the seduction of power. perhaps it was more of a choice not to see the iniquity.
cos pride is like a thick armor. i blogged abt it before - i likened it to a shield that deflects insecurity, criticism and spite. and truly it is. it is steel mail. and the blow of a warrior clad in armor is bone-crushing. cos pride grants not only protection, but power too. there is so much comfort that u can draw from saying to yourself, "i am who i am. and my accomplishments have not been insubstantial. there is no reason for fragility." it is a source of strength.
but armor is cumbersome. it is heavy. it is ultimately, a burden to don. and it may shield u from blows and hurt, but it shields u too from the hugs and the kisses, the rays of sunshine, the feel of wet grass under the feet. it is cold and unfeeling - u feel nothing except for itself. it is uncompromising - it allows nothing through, be it loathe or love. it is crippling - once u fall, u never get up.
how much better it is to be a dancing faerie, merry and joyful, confident and exuberant. and the hurts will fly past her as she twirls in her lightness of being. this is humility - the humility of faith. it is the tenacity to stand up after disappointment, sorrow and frustration. it is the grace to accept that which we don't understand. it is the freedom to live life.
this then, is the beautiful irony: that as we surrender the reigns of our life, we become more free than ever before - free to feel, free to be hurt, free to heal, free to reconcile, free to wonder and most of all, free to be loved and love in return.
Name: Foo Guo Zhong Melvyn
Age: 19+
Affiliations: MSHS (Pri), Rosyth, RI, RJC, SFX (LoG)
Bday: 14th Nov
Email: mel_protoss@hotmail.com
i never thought of myself as a proud person. as e academically most accomplished (before tertiary ed at least. i suspect my bro has a lot more imba mugging prowess than me lolz) in e family, i knew that arrogance was the most pertinent pitfall.
so i sought humility. and i attained it. quite a long while ago i believe. i swung all the way to the extreme end of it - into insecurity, hesitation and indecision. i distinctly rmb anthony saying that my gift was that of humility, despite the many other blessing that i've been showered with. how disappointed he'd be to know how far i've strayed.
then i started bucking up. i needed e confidence see? i needed to get over my insecurity and my fears and just live properly. so i bought the whole lot - hook, line and sinker. i made myself stronger so that i could rely on myself. i desperately searched for morsels of achievement that i could tie my identity to. i longed for e deep recognition that i could find my security. i ached for e moments of need that i could attribute a sense of belonging to.
in that process, i coldly beat back all my weaknesses, pruning my strength of character like one would prune a grapevine - meticulously and efficiently. i resolved to grasp the reigns of my life. i made circumstance my steed. i told myself, in e words of Invictus, that my soul would be unconquerable, my would be head unbowed, i would be unafraid and above all, i would be master of my fate,/ captain of my soul. and slowly, inevitably, unwittingly, i carved my identity out of pride.
perhaps it's unfair to say that it was unwitting. i must have realized some time or another deep down some where that i was being proud. but pride just had so much allure... the seduction of power. perhaps it was more of a choice not to see the iniquity.
cos pride is like a thick armor. i blogged abt it before - i likened it to a shield that deflects insecurity, criticism and spite. and truly it is. it is steel mail. and the blow of a warrior clad in armor is bone-crushing. cos pride grants not only protection, but power too. there is so much comfort that u can draw from saying to yourself, "i am who i am. and my accomplishments have not been insubstantial. there is no reason for fragility." it is a source of strength.
but armor is cumbersome. it is heavy. it is ultimately, a burden to don. and it may shield u from blows and hurt, but it shields u too from the hugs and the kisses, the rays of sunshine, the feel of wet grass under the feet. it is cold and unfeeling - u feel nothing except for itself. it is uncompromising - it allows nothing through, be it loathe or love. it is crippling - once u fall, u never get up.
how much better it is to be a dancing faerie, merry and joyful, confident and exuberant. and the hurts will fly past her as she twirls in her lightness of being. this is humility - the humility of faith. it is the tenacity to stand up after disappointment, sorrow and frustration. it is the grace to accept that which we don't understand. it is the freedom to live life.
this then, is the beautiful irony: that as we surrender the reigns of our life, we become more free than ever before - free to feel, free to be hurt, free to heal, free to reconcile, free to wonder and most of all, free to be loved and love in return.